I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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