thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo