You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You left your phone here
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