i was rollin on her like bob the builder
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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