why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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