So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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