Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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