Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
a search helicopter?!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Randomize
