swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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