You just made me feel so damn special
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I need a burrito and a hug.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
