I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
