I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
