your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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