I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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