Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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