i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
