Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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