Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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