So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
