I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
