I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
