"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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