True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
