went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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