you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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