Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
