I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize