My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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