life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
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NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
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I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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