Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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