Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
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