You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
