drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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