Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
