After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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