I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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