everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
