im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
