I want you more than these girls want KFC
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
