When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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