Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
high people should be assigned attendants
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I can't turn off my feet"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
