You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
