if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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