tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
