my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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