What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
