Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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