I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
