our cab driver is having phone sex.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My dick has a subreddit
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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