I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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