a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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