if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
