you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
