i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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