you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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