I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
