Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
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My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
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High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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