Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
